Fake it Till You Make it

Transitioning from Barista to Book nerd was actually quite seamless. Sometimes it's not the person who's bad at the job, but the job that's bad for the person. I stayed at the coffee shop for way, way too long, and it made me so angry. It turned me into a horrible bitch who hated her boss and tolerated only 10% of the customers on a good day.

At the bookstore I'm happier and way more relaxed. There I get to be the me that I want to be. The me who hasn't been worn down by life. At the bookstore I wear my glasses to work and wear clothes that aren't covered in coffee and flavoured syrup. But even wearing my glasses and my new "fancy" clothes - shit happens. Some days at work are just not going to be great. Today was one of those days. But I must say that today was still better than the past year of working at the cafe.

This morning I got up early to make it to the morning boot camp fitness class my running coach has been teaching. After a tough, but good, workout I went home, showered and got ready for work. I bought a dress at Old Navy recently - a black collared button-down with a tie at the waist. Lucky for me it fell within the dress-code of the bookstore. I thought I'd pair it with some grey tights and a cute pair of grey oxford shoes. With my big plastic glasses, and my hair tied back it definitely gave off a nerdy-librarian-nun-in-training vibe and I was okay with that. Well, I was okay with the outfit in theory - but when put into action it proved to be a huge failure.

The first issue that arose (or didn't) was that my tights started to fall down. First just a little bit. I'd duck into quiet sections of the store and tug on them as best I could. At one point I had to run to the washroom to fix the whole wardrobe malfunction before it got out of hand, but really that was just a temporary fix.

As the whole tights situation worsened, another issue presented itself: the shoes. Gradually my feet started to ache. Then the ache turned to a dull pinch. Then the dull pinch became...less dull. Eventually this forced me to hobble around like an old woman. This was exaggerated by the fact that I could also feel my tights sliding further and further down.

To add insult to injury my manager asked me to work on recommending things to customers more. You'd think this would be easy for me, being a bibliophile and all, but no. I find it awkward to just out of the blue grab a book and say, "hey, you should read this because I have, and I liked it." Or, "hey, you should read this because it's a bestseller." I mean, half the time I'm dealing with people twice my age - so I assume we have different tastes. I know I need to work on this - but I just couldn't deal with it all while my feet hurt and my pantyhose were edging down my butt. I also proved to be completely stupid when it came to using a combination lock. I am so special.

So today, despite my best effort to appear put together, I nearly completely fell apart. Tomorrow, I will be wearing real pants and sensible shoes. My piggies still haven't recovered from the dreadful walk home from work today.

Weird Introspective Sad Post

I was looking at my Instagram today and decided to check my "find your friends" contact look-up to see if anyone I know joined lately. I noticed an old acquaintance on the list - an old friend of an ex-friend. Naturally I decided to look at her pictures. Among her shots of herself and various DIY parties she's hosted/attended I saw one of her old roommate from university. The photo was old and the caption indicated that this girl had passed away. To preface this story I should tell you that her roommate had cystic fibrosis - a fatal illness that usually takes the lives of those who suffer from it in their 20s or 30s. When I met her she had a scar on her chest from a very recent procedure. Another interesting thing I discovered was that her and I had the exact same birthday - same year and everything.

I wasn't satisfied with just the photo, so I Googled her and found her obituary. She passed away in 2010. I probably last saw her in 2005 - as I fell out of touch with my friend of a friend. It still made me feel sad. My birthday buddy - dying at 26 after knowing for most of her life that she probably would die young. She was so full of life when I knew her - and I know everyone says that about people who pass - but with her it really was true. She was weird and artsy and totally out there, but she was just being herself. She was so kind and genuine. I remember going over to their place and she made us all corn on the cob. I remember we all went to one of the school pubs that fall and she loaned a guy who was cold her sweater. It was way too small for him and he probably stretched it out - but that was just the kind of girl she was. The kind of girl who would offer a shivering guy her sweater. No ulterior motives - just genuine human compassion.

I remember thinking she was really brave. I don't know how I would act if I knew the sand in my own personal hourglass was running low. I'd probably end up super depressed and bedridden. But not her, she got her degree and had relationships - both plutonic and romantic, and lived her life. She didn't let her illness define or limit her.

I know I'm three years too late, but I just wanted to share this little piece of my past with you. She may have only been a friend for a season, but she was a pretty cool girl and I'm sad she's gone. She deserved to live a full life - and I know she probably did for the 26 years she was given.

Reason. Season. Lifetime.

I was talking to my friend Joanne - my running coach and mentor in life now - and she was talking about different types of friendships and mentioned a saying I wasn't that familiar with: You have friends for a reason, friends for a season and friends for a lifetime. This really made me feel better about that fact that over the years I've lost touch with friends, or had falling-outs. Those people just weren't meant to be my lifetime friends. I think sometimes friends may start out as friends for a reason, but end up lifetime friends just because you develop a bond outside of the initial reason.

Many of my running friends may end up just being friends for a reason - the reason being my motivations to workout and stay active even when it's 20-below zero and I don't want to get out of bed. Friends of a season might be work friends - you stay friends for the duration of your time working with them, but don't really keep up your friendship after one of both of you leave the job. Again, friends who start out like this may become lifetime friends, you just don't know until you realize you can't live without them.

This is actually a good jumping off point for talking about my weekend. This weekend was great, challenging, wonderful and exhausting. It featured each type of "friend" in various degrees.

Saturday morning I woke up earlier than I had been - as I've been unemployed/waiting for new job to start for roughly three weeks at this point (thus, not having to wake up early ever). Why did I wake up early? To take an outdoor fitness class with Joanne to promote a new gym opening in January. I've known for sometime now that I need to add some cross-training to supplement my running regiment. I really need to take some weight off and I know running alone just won't do it. Time to get serious and what better person to guide me through this than Joanne. She'll push you and correct your form, but also respect your own limits. I ended up signing up for a membership after.

After the class we did our usual run - which was surprisingly easy to do (the workout must have been the perfect warmup). After that we went out for breakfast where I undid all my hard work with a plate of bacon and eggs.

Afterwards I showered and proceeded to get ready for my friends from my university days to visit. They showed up and it was like we were 21 again - drinking Smirnoff Ice coolers and laughing till our stomachs hurt. We went out for dinner at one of my favourite casual dining restaurants and because it was Saturday night and a hockey game was on there were promos going on. By buying drinks made with Crown Royal rye whiskey we got free NHL hats - and the drinks were on special. We had a great dinner and had fun wearing our hats.

Afterwards we went back to my place for cupcakes and ice cream and watched weird YouTube videos on my phone.

I woke up the next morning only feeling slightly gross and got ready for orientation for my new job. I recently got hired as a seasonal employee at a bookstore. Because it's a huge corporation they have very specific requirements that have to be met before someone can actually start working there. I walked into a tiny break room and met the others attending the orientation. There was Alyson (yes, same name as me, different spelling), Emma, Emma, Emily and Zach. I kid you not. Emma 2 came in and was like "wow, you guys all look like babies." Afterwards she revealed that she was 25, so I informed her that I was in fact older - I'll take her comment as a compliment. Two of the girls were in high school, and the other two (Zach and Alyson) had attended the same university at different times. I guess I related most to Emma 2, because we both felt old. Zach was such a hipster, I just couldn't take him seriously. After three and a half hours of learning about the company and its policies, I was finally allowed to go back home and put my sweatpants on and relax. Even though it was such a boring afternoon - I felt good about the whole thing because it also marked a new beginning for me.

So I'm all about the new beginnings - new fitness goals and a new job. Maybe some new friends? Friends for a season? Friends for a reason? But either way, I'll always have my friends for a lifetime.

The Creep Factor

I know I've been blogging pretty much everyday lately, but it's because I've come back to life creativity and am starting to feel like me again. My old job really did make me hate life - and that pretty much made me give up on everything I used to care about - like writing.

But now I have time to think and time to breathe...and time to stalk old crushes on social media.

So internet friends, I enlist you to tell me how big of a creeper I actually am. But please hear me out first before you judge.

I think I've written about this guy before - the record store guy - THE record store guy from my teen years. I worked at the mall, he worked at the mall. He was older and super funny and cute and goofy and actually talked to me. I was quiet and unassuming back then. I wasn't the girl the boys paid attention to. I wasn't ugly, I just wasn't anything - I was the brown haired loner girl. But for some reason this guy and I had a bond.

Over the years our paths would cross and strange things (and feelings) always seemed to stem from these interactions. This all culminated one night when he kissed me in the basement of a dive bar downtown. We'd never really hung out ever - we just sort of came upon each other every couple of years. I probably over think these things, but most of the times I ran into him I wasn't actively seeking him out.

So today I was searching through some downtown businesses in my area on Instagram. For some reason - boredom or curiosity - I looked up the accounts they follow. His name jumped out of the list and my heart jumped. I felt like a stalker who didn't realize she was stalking. Last I knew about him was he had a daughter and was married, but that didn't stop me from looking at all of his pictures and eventually following his account. I don't think he's married anymore - but he might have a girlfriend who could get a bit mad if I comment on anything.

So internet, what's my next move? Should I just silently follow him - lurking in the corner of his photographic life? Or should I comment - making my presence known, in case he still remembers me and all our weird interactions over the past 12 years? Am I just the most desperate fool that every existed? Or is it fair to acknowledge that our lives have intersected in so many strange ways over the years? Is it cowardly to just lurk? Or sensible? Is it brave to say something? Or desperate? Maybe I just want to be friends. It could be okay to just say hello, right?

I feel like this person has played such a huge part in my life story, yet the times we've interacted have been so brief and fleeting. Am I just playing him up to be someone more important than he is? Should he just be a background character who makes occasional guest appearances, or is he part of the bigger picture? I just don't know. I should know better than to believe in fate. I mean, I thought my ex and I getting together was fate - but as it turns out, that was just a big old mistake. I feel like I don't know how to properly assess these types of situations because I let my heart speak ahead of my brain.

Things I Relate to About New Girl

Okay, I know this show is on it's third season and I'm super late in terms of relating to this show, as it's been on for a while and people who watch it probably already get it. But I'm between jobs right now (I got a job, by the way, I just haven't started yet) so since Thanksgiving (when my bro lent me season 1) I've marathon watched all the episodes and am now all caught up.

I know because I'm a girl I should probably say I relate most to Jess - but I don't entirely. I relate to her in many ways - her quirks mostly - but I also relate to Nick. I'm like a combo of Jess and Nick. But that isn't what this post is about. This post is about how I find this show relatable more than other shows about characters my age.

1. They Drive Shitty Cars (most of them, anyways)

Jess is a teacher (in the United States), which means she's horribly underpaid. Nick is a law school drop-out who bar tends, and for most of the first season Winston was unemployed and then a male-nanny. The only character who has a decent job is Schmidt, so it makes sense that he's the only one of them with a decent car (until later when Winston has to give up his piece of junk and gets a better job). They live in LA, where I assume shit is expensive and this isn't 90210.

2. Well Educated People Working Below their Qualifications

As stated above, Nick is a bartender who dropped out of law school. I don't know how much you guys know about law school, but what I know is that it's pretty hard to get into. So the very fact that he got into law school tells me that despite his slacker persona, he's actually a pretty smart guy. He's over 30 and doesn't care that he's a bartender - and that is the reality for many people our age. Sometimes you just have to say "fuck it, I don't want to play these corporate games." In season two, when Jess is between teaching jobs she works several embarrassing jobs - The Cassarole Shanty, the Haunted House, etc.

3. They Can't Afford to Live Alone.

Aside from Schmidt, they pretty much have to live together to survive. Even the lovely model Cece lives with a bunch of other models. Being an independent adult is hard.

4. Couples Don't Say "I Love You" Right Away

You know that TV/Movie cliche where two people like each other for a long time then finally get together in some huge dramatic moment where they pronounce their love to one another - thus beginning the relationship? In real life romantic relationships rarely start by saying "I love you." That is why I think the Nick/Jess thing is more real than some fictional romances. They told each other "I like you" or "I really like you" - which is how most couples are in the early stages. Even if deep down you feel like you love them, no one just blurts that out (unless you're Ted Mosby).

5. Break Ups Suck

I could totally relate to Jess laying on the couch crying watching Dirty Dancing. Or Nick getting drunk and refusing to leave the photobooth. Certain break ups can be pretty scarring and turn us into crazy people. They also emphasize how long it can take to get over that one person who destroyed you and how hard it can be to face that person after. I know other shows do this, but for some reason I felt more connected to how these characters dealt with it.

Anyways...who's that girl? It's Al!

It Takes a Village to Raise a 29 Year Old

I am very fortunate to have a lovely group of women in my life to support and rise me up whether things are good or bad. Unfortunately, my mother isn't one of them. No, I'm not from a broken home, and my parents are still together and we still care about each other, but she's just not really on my team. Her idea of helping is being overly critical and my unstable personality just doesn't jive with that form of tough love. I see it as her being against me rather than for me. But this post isn't a big 'ol "My Momma doesn't love me" type post - this is a post about my mentors, friends and loved one who are part of my team.

My Best Friend's Mom

• She understands my struggles as a person with anxiety and depression issues. She has a great way of relating to me while simultaneously building me up. When I texted her to let her know I got the job I'd just interviewed for she called me right away to tell me how great she thought it was going to be for me.

My running coach/mentor Joanne

• This women is 100% pure inspiration. It's not just her accomplishments (she's on the national triathlon team along with her daughter), but also her philosophies on life. She is a great person to talk to about life's problems in a rational way. But she truly likes to address a problem, access it and move towards finding a positive solutions. She's so kind, and open and giving. Plus she forces me to do horrible workouts that I pretend to hate but secretly love.

My former Manager/Good Friend Angela

• Angela is a wonderful person. She's struggled a lot with mental illnesses - but has overcome the issues time and time again. We meet for lunch or coffee every couple of months and I always look forward to our chats. She is a great friend and mentor to me because I know that I can make it if she can. I just need to soak up her positive energy. Plus she's a cat person, and that's an automatic plus for me.

My best friend Amanda

• We live in different cities - but we still manage to chat daily about our lives. It's just not a normal day if don't hear about the stupid thing her boss did, so we can both make fun of it. While we've gone on different paths in terms of career (her having one, and me still struggling to survive) - we both share many of the same outlooks on life. We like going out for dinner and drinks. Also, we give each other (seriously!) the best gifts every Christmas and birthdays. She will literally be my friend forever.

My Longest Friend Ever, Jacqueline

• I've come to realize that Amanda is probably my best friend, based on the levels of attention and support we give one another, but Jacqueline is like my sister from another mister. We've been friends since we were seven years old - and we've had our ups and downs - but somehow we always end up back together. Truthfully, if we met today we probably wouldn't be friends - but we're friends now, but more like sisters. You know what they say, you can't choose your family - so her and I are stuck with each other - thick and thin. Sisters may fight, but our bond will hold strong till we're old ladies. Plus her mom is my support system - so we pretty much have to stay together.

So there you have it - my support group. The people who I can talk to who will actually listen without judgement. The people who understand me and my struggles. These people believe in me even when I have no faith in myself. They laugh at me when I tell them of my hilarious failures but somehow find the lesson in those mistakes. I really am lucky. My mom will always be there for me too, but her and I have a strained relationship - one that doesn't make me feel protected when I'm talking about my feelings. So I'm glad I have so many others who will listen.