On Being Poor (not to be confused with being "poor")

People seemed to like my last post about being unquestionably single to the highest degree. Wanna know what else I am? Unemployed. Being unemployed also makes me....poor! Broke, penniless, in-debt, below the poverty line...actually, I'm like caught in the poverty pit. Now, I will say that I'm not as poor as say a homeless person on the street, but if a few sensitive things were to be disrupted in my life, I could easily end up that way. I live in a fragile ecosystem and I need to adapt to a new habitat quickly before I die off.

Curious about how I stay alive? Here is a list of how I stay clothed and fed:

1) I am a 30 year old "woman" (I don't put this in quotes because I'm confused about my gender, but more because woman just sounds too adult for my current situation.) I rely on my parents 80% for basic survival - shelter and food. I am not proud of this, so I don't exactly spread it around. I have been close to breaking free of this a few times, but my inability to remain employed has stunted my personal growth.

Imagine the dating profile: I'm an unemployed adult woman who can't survive without her mommy and daddy. Looking for rich idiot to pay for all my expenses while I continue to find myself.

2) I do odd jobs. I freelance edit occasionally and house and pet-sit for a few families. I am also working at the polls for an upcoming election, which is basically one day of work. I manage to get these gigs just in time to pay my phone bill, and throw a bit of money against my huge credit card bill. Oh, and my student loan debt! I also spend this money irresponsibly on clothes and candy sometimes.

3) I have a lot of clothes, so I probably don't NEED to buy anything new. Though, that dress would be so cute for a cocktail party, should I be invited to one.

4) Occasionally people buy me meals. Basically, I know that if I go to breakfast with my running group on Saturday mornings someone will pay for me. I will say, "guys, I feel terrible (I really do), you really shouldn't (they really shouldn't)," but it doesn't stop me from ordering the French toast with a side of bacon like the fatty that I am. Refill on the coffee, please?

5) I bum rides when I can to avoid public transit. Public transit can be super slow and frustrating.

Do I want to live like this forever? Obsoletely not. But in the meantime I must do what I have to to not end up homeless. I'm way to spoiled and sheltered for life on the streets.

On Being Single (not to be confused with "single")

There's nothing more annoying than hearing people in committed, long-term relationships say, "sometimes I miss being single." First of all, these people rarely mean the kind of single that I am - what they mean is single and dating. This is not single - this is dating. Dating is the opposite of single in my opinion.

There are so many types of single, but the type I'm talking about is pretty much the most single a person can be.

There is...

• Single with an Online Dating Profile

• Single and seeing someone casually, but we don't like to define things

• Single and dating multiple people at once

• Single and hooking up with people at bars

• Single and a flirt-slut

• Single parent

• Single and Divorced

• Single and pregnant (by mistake)

• Single and pregnant (on purpose - biological clock was ticking!)

• Single as in not married (the box you check on official government documents even though you're in a relationship)

• Single with no prospects, no dates, no hook-ups, no online dating profile, no sexual contact of any kind

There is nothing to envy about the kind of single I am (which is the last one, if you didn't understand) - unless of course you like sitting in bed watching Netflix alone every day for the rest of your life. It's not that I hate my life - I have great friends and family and I do a lot of enjoyable, fulfilling stuff. But I am as single as they come, and unless you really love your personal space and really hate your significant other, there's no reason for anyone to miss being single.

My brother is getting married next month and I said "no" to bringing a +1. My brother was like, "why aren't you bringing someone?" And I gave him a look of disgust as if to say, "um, hello, it's me - don't you know me at all?" Who the hell would I bring to a wedding? Would I call up my one guy friend and ask him to ditch his girlfriend for the night so he can come to an out-of-town wedding with me, to not sit with me (because I'm in the wedding, I'll be at the head table), and to mingle and try to explain to all my nosey aunts that we're not dating, we're just friends. Or better yet, I'll call up my ex and ask him to forget all the horrible things I've said to him and to please come to a wedding with me and pretend we're back together. Or I could bring a female friend and have my whole family assume I'm a lesbian (not that there's anything wrong with being a lesbian, but since I'm not one, I'd rather not give the nosey aunts more to talk about.) So yeah, I'm going alone and I'm choosing the chicken instead of the steak.

That's it. The end. I'm single and I don't care - but please, don't pretend you wish you were me.

Why The Canadiens Will Win - by Me

While Lana and I didn’t do our full on Stanley Cup Playoffs wager, we have found ourselves in an interesting situation – our teams are playing each other in the Eastern Conference Finals. The winner of said finals will go on to play for the coveted Stanley Cup!!!!

For those of you not that into hockey, our respective teams are The Montreal Canadiens (me) and The New York Rangers (Lana). Both are original six teams (along with Toronto, Chicago, Detroit, and Boston). Reminder to Toronto fans: your team didn’t make the playoffs, so you should just refrain from speaking and enjoy the baseball season. The last time Montreal won the cup was 1993, and 1994 for New York – so both teams are anxious to get another shot. But since I’m a Hab fan, I will now list off all the reasons, in my opinion, why MY team will win.

• Goaltending – I’m not sure why, but Carey Price doesn’t get much credit. Fans of other teams are always quick to say he’s undeserving of his accolades for X, Y, or Z. But I’m pretty sure all those haters and nay-sayers can put a sock in it. Carey Price dominated against Boston. Let’s not forget that Price has an Olympic gold medal and I’m pretty sure they don’t just give those away. He may not have been nominated for the Vezina trophy, but 2014 will definitely be a highlight of Price’s career.

• We beat Boston! – Boston won the 2013-14 President’s Trophy for being the first place team in the league. That said, they did not play like a first place team this round by any means. Our victory against the Bruins is special for two reasons: 1) The aforementioned ranking and 2) The intense rivalry between the two teams goes back decades. The two have faced each other more in the regular season and playoffs combined than any two teams. Leaf fans want to believe that the Toronto – Montreal rivalry is greater, but since the Leafs suck, there’s no comparison. Our hatred towards Boston only intensified a few years back when Zdano Chara smashed Max Pacioretty into the corner of the boards near the bench, nearly ending his career. We boo Chara for sure. Plus no one likes Lucic or Merchant. This win will give us the confidence we need to take on the Rangers.

• Home Ice Advantage – For game 7 in Boston, Montreal’s Bell Centre had a sold out crowd. That’s correct – Montreal fans gathered to watch the away game from a big screen. Montreal loves hockey. They have incredible, loyal, and vocal fans. Prepare to hear “Ole, ole, ole, ole” a lot. While historically, Montreal doesn’t always perform well at home (plus superstitions that blame the Bell Centre for their losses), the energy of the crowd and the city will be invaluable.

• Our Defense – Subban, Markov, Emerlin, Weaver, Beaulieu, and Gorges have all been amazing. From scoring goals (looking at you, P.K.) to blocking shots – these guys have done their job right.

• Our Forwards – They work together to create opportunities and it pays off. There’s not a single forward on the team that falls short. They don’t play selfish hockey.

• Speed – Montreal’s speed is their advantage. This is how we won against Boston. If you look at Game 5, where we basically sucked, it was because we were slow and letting Boston knock us around. As long as we do what we do best, we will win.

• Lastly, History – Montreal is the greatest and most decorated NHL team of all-time. Perhaps this makes us hated – because we have already achieved so much. But I doubt very much 1993 will be the last time we win.  We might not have the whole country (Canada) behind us, in-fact there are many Canadians who hope we fail. But that doesn’t matter, because we’ve still failed less than any other Canadian hockey team. They’re just jealous.

Haters gonna hate. Bring it on Rangers. 

Lana, Hank may look good in a suit, but Carey loves puppies.

Why the Rangers Will Win - by Lana

The opinions expressed in the following blog post were made by an American Rangers fan. They do not reflect the opinions and beliefs of Textual Healing. This is a friendly gesture between rivals. Basically, I won't be speaking to her till June - you know, to console her after her team loses.

• • •

Unfortunately this year, the NHL playoffs fell during a really busy week for me so Allison and I decided not to do our annual contest where we try to make you guys take sides over who will win.  Also, my blog has kind of fallen to the side while I make room for life’s other important things like switching jobs, moving and eating candy. I know, try not to cry too hard while you imagine a world without me.

This all changed when both the New York Rangers (a.k.a. GREATEST TEAM EVER) and the Montreal Canadiens (Allison’s second place finishers) made it to the Eastern Conference Finals and we realized that we can’t be friends anymore, or at least until June. This gave me the brilliant idea that we should both compose editorials on why each one of our teams is the best, and then Allison switched it around and titled hers “Why My Team Will Win.” How selfish of you, Allison. That’s not very Canada-y at all. So here is my post on why everyone should root for the Blueshirts. You will all clearly discover why I am winner and still champion.

EXHIBIT OH HAAAAAI: Handsome Hank, or as I like to refer to him, Swedish Chef, is one of the more elite goaltenders in the NHL. He’s a constant Vezina winner or finalist, even though this year it will probably go to that douchebag Tuuka Rask. This entire postseason he’s been playing like a beast, making ridiculous saves and contorting his body in ways that make me feel kind of funny, like when we used to climb the ropes in gym class.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ytcAVWB_Hc

Observe:

Plus, here he is on a boat.

Also, here he is in a suit:

Sometimes he kind of looks like Aladdin, which confuses me but Aladdin was also my first major childhood crush (don’t judge), so also, major bonus points.

Also, here he is in a suit again.

Update: I guess Carey Price is also kind of hot, but in that “I look like I’m 12” way. So yeah, but no. I do admit that Price is an exceptional goaltender- it requires a certain amount of stamina and skill to knock the Cup-favorite Bruins and their high-school bullying out of contention- but in no way does he come close to Henrik Lundqvist. Period. The End.

Also, here’s Hank in a suit.

I probably shouldn’t have looked at a picture of him on a bed.

I think you can see where I’m headed with this.

EXHIBIT B CUP: (see what I did there? CUP?) So Allison, in case you didn’t realize, not ALL your games are played in Montreal. We have a home ice advantage, as well, and Rangers fans “bleed blue” for a reason. The New York sports community is one of the most loyal there is in the US, especially when one of our teams makes the postseason. The Rangers beat the Pens, who we hate, and the Flyers, who even their players’ moms hate, to get here. Not to mention that there’s the excitement of an Original Six matchup, with two teams that each haven’t won in 20 years. I’m betting on an astronomical attendance at the Garden, and even a huge fanbase at the Bell Centre, which will only boost our morale. Watching it on a big screen means nothing if your team doesn’t know that you’re there. GO-O-OAL!

(We have home ice advantage this series - meaning the games start in Montreal and there will no doubt be plenty of Hab fans in NYC too).

FYI- I’m in no way suggesting that New York City hockey fans are bigger than Canadian ones. You guys are insane. Like, scary insane. Like, hockey is pretty much all you guys have. Besides Molson. And flannel shirts.

(I'd make some threats here, but I'm no Milan Lucic).

EXHIBIT GOSLING: Our forwards can pretty much do no wrong right now. After the tragic loss of Marty St. Louis’ mother, he chose to come back and perform with his team; then scored the first goal of the game- on Mother’s Day. Even Penguins fans probably cheered him on. Brad Richards, Derek Stepan and Daniel Carcillo are killing everything. If Chris Kreider stays out of the penalty box, we can expect a lot from him as well. Any one of our main forwards could fill the vacant Captain slot next year and I would be fine with that. (HAHAHAHA. “Fill the vacant slot.”)

EXHIBIT DD: At first I wasn’t sure about Alain Vigneault as our head coach, to be honest. When we swapped with Vancouver, the Canucks were perennial chokers, never making it that far in the Playoffs. But he’s proven to be a great addition to the Club, with a style that’s clearly suited the Rangers and helped them advance to the Final Four. Vigneault has also previously coached Montreal, so even though it’s a different roster, he knows how to get past the most decorated team in the NHL.

Meanwhile, John Tortorella is now an even bigger asshole, and the Canucks sucked even harder. Tort got fired at the end of this regulation season when they failed to make the playoffs.

http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/puck-daddy/canucks-flames-line-brawl-five-simultaneous-fights-john-041732349--nhl.html

EXHIBIT SQUEE: Here’s Hank in a suit:

Real Life Poetry

I hate poetry. Have I mentioned this before? If not, yeah - not a fan. As a writing student, it was always something I was required to either write, read, or both. Yeah, not a fan of either. I'm a prose girl. Always have been, always will be. Some silly, short poems are okay - but long, romantic or victorian poetry is painful for me. There have been a few exceptions ("Mariana" by Tennyson has always been a favourite, I especially love the painting by John Everett Millais based on the poem). Because I was always forced to write poetry in school, I ended up with a lot of embarrassingly bad teenaged poems (no, I won't be sharing those here). Apparently, I have also been the subject of a high school poetry assignment that I blocked out of my memory.

My friend Amanda was recently going through old papers and found a poem she wrote about me for an assignment in our high school writing class. She mailed me a copy last week as a "blast from the past" type surprise. Back in my last year of high school I worked at a mall kiosk that sold silver jewellery. Working in the middle of the mall meant that I was exposed to all the goings-on - other employees, customers, mall rats, old people with nothing better to do, the list goes on. Even today I walk by these carts and feel sympathy towards these people forced to work in the midst of all the chaos. Basically, my friend wrote the poem about my life inside the mall. It was titled, "Something More." It was about how I longed for something more while working this soul crushing job. I was on my way to university the following year, so I was excited to get out of there and start a new life of my own. It really captures those false feelings that we can start over. The truth was that I worked at that job every summer and Christmas break until I graduated university. But in the end I just traded one shitty job for another. My something more ended up being coffee service. Go figure.

Now, over 10 years later,  I am 30 and unemployed, with few prospects. I thought it would be interesting to mail her a letter back with a new poem. A much more bleak version - with rhymes! While it's sad and depressing, I hope you'll also see the dark humour in it. 

I called it: Something More...Still

She sits on her bed, day in - day out.

Netflix is all she cares about. 

Pajamas are her uniform.

She’s just trying to weather this storm.

The money is spent.

Thank god she don’t pay rent.

All she has is her cats.

And a few nice tats.

Some days she forgets to do her hair.

But really she just doesn’t care.

She talks to her friends using her phone.

Which makes her feel a bit less alone.

The job sites are depressing.

Her patience is compressing.

She’d go back to school.

But she’s really not that cool.

Most days she takes a long afternoon nap.

To help her forget that her life is crap.

She wakes up and has an unhealthy snack.

Because it’s not like she’ll ever have a six pack.

“Screw you world” she cries into her pillow.

Her curly locks falling over her face like a willow.

“I’m smarter than this!” she silently screams.

Sitting on her ass wasn’t part of her dreams.

The Underpants Personality Test

This is the story about how a bachelorette party game premise has forced me to take a good look at myself.

I hate the idea of a bachelorette party. Dollar Store banners, crowns, wigs, and stupid penis themed novelty items. It seems like the worst possible way to celebrate ones last days of singledom. Lucky for me, the planners of my future sister-in-law's party have eliminated the penis aspect, as it's not the bride's cup of tea - thank god. Either way, I'm not wearing, eating, or drinking out of anything with a penis on it. But one of the games the ladies have come up with is what's called a panty drop.

Basically we each buy a pair of underwear for the bride that represents our personality. She has to guess which pair came from who. So this made me think, "if I were a pair of panties, what kind would a I be?"

Do I go black, like my heart? Large and cotton, like my age? Do I go striped like my style? Do I go sporty, like my hobbies? Do I go artsy/hipsterish, like my personality? Do I go nerdy, like my life? I feel like I'm reading too much into this, as it's just a silly bridal game. But I'm seriously like, "what do others see? What vibes am I sending out into the universe and how might those vibes be interpreted in a pair of panties?"

Do I want to make it hard for her to figure out? Or make it easy - like "yep, these are totally from Allison." I've never had to buy underwear for another girl before, let alone a pair for another girl that represent me? Do I just buy what I would normally buy for myself?

What kind of underwear represent your personality? Are we all just cotton bloomers parading around as lace thongs? How do you feel about bachelorette parties? Yay or Nay to penis parties?

When You Try and Don't Succeed

Now that my month of blogging is over, I can go back to posting regularly about my everyday life. In truth things have not been great. My new job turned out to be a huge disappointment. The boss was ridiculous and hired me impulsively and actually couldn't afford me. There's more, but I just don't feel like getting into it right now. Basically, I'm back to searching.

In addition to being unemployed (or self-employed, if you count my pathetic freelance "business") I am also in full wedding mode in preparation for all the parties for my sister-in-law and my brother. I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to afford this. It's all very stressful. I have the shower I'm co-hosting this Sunday, then May 24th is the Bachelorette. Then the actually wedding in June - where I'll need to pay for my hair, make up, and my hotel room. Oy! I need a job just to pay for this wedding stuff.

Lately I've been really tired, but I've had plenty of sleep. I blame this lethargy on my joblessness. When one has nothing to do all day and feels worthless and pathetic, why bother getting dressed? I say pajamas forever! Netflix! It got so bad today that I had my face planted into my pillow while texting my running coach that I didn't feel like running tonight. She told me to just go for an easy one. She picked me up and gave me a bunch of flowers from the grocery store because she detected, correctly, that I was feeling sad and grumpy. Seriously, I don't deserve such kindness.

Well, it is what it is. I have to keep trying. Even if I don't want to put on big girl clothes, I have to at least do one thing towards the advancement of my career each day. If I do that one thing, whether it be big or small, I will at least feel like I accomplished something. I also have to do one healthy thing for myself everyday - be it going for a run, even if I don't want to, or just going outside for some fresh air, or making a salad instead of eating chips. Even putting on real clothes would be a step in the right direction, even if my PJs are super comfy. 

I'm not saying I won't watch three hours of Netflix tomorrow, but I will try to fit in some better stuff in between.