Today I Wrote Something Depressing, Then I Deleted it

I got into a stupid internet fight today - the worst kind of fight I'd say. Afterwards, I felt so defeated and lonely, which made me feel like a chump for letting a complete stranger tear me down when I'm already so close to the bottom as it is. I thought a lot about my own mental illness and how I'm wired differently and it makes me sensitive to criticism. I feel like I need to stand up for myself but sometimes I just don't know how.

Afterwards I sat down with my phone and started composing a blog about how I was feeling - but it ended up being all emotional with no substance. It was an immediate reaction to how I was feeling at that exact moment and I wasn't really prepared to press "publish." It served its purpose just by being written - it didn't need to be read. I'll give you a sample of something I wrote in this unreleased post:

"I'm letting strangers in glass houses stone me to death."

I was feeling really beat down when I wrote this. I really didn't know what to do with my feelings, so I channelled them into an "unsent" letter basically. Which I think is a fairly healthy reaction.

After lying around for a while watching Netflix I went for a run on the treadmill. I ran because it's Tuesday, and I always run on Tuesdays. But I also needed to run my feelings out. As much as I want to crawl into bed and never leave when I feel like this, I knew that I had to stay focussed and do at least one thing today that I could be proud of. One good thing for me. One thing that makes me feel good.

I ran for half and hour while listening to Matthew Good on my laptop. His music is such a force for me. He's a man who's dealt with mental health issues and doesn't shy away from talking about it. A song from his latest album, Arrows of Desire, really resonated with me while I was racing against my demons on the treadmill. It's called "Had it Coming."

Well you work a job, you hate your job You go home and you wonder “What am I going to do about my job? It pays the bills, the bills add up” So you go to bed and dream You wake up hung over on a beach in the sunshine And you walk into the sea like nothing’s ever been Yeah you wade into the sea until you can feel the planet hummingYeah you sink into the sea and find out that you can breathe Yeah you sink into the sea and find out at last You’ve have it coming

Hide and Seek for the Insane

I am currently house and petsitting for friends for a week. They just left this morning, so I've been alone with the dog, Cash, and cat - Bandit, for less than 24 hours. I got up and walked Cash and fed them both. Then I walked him again this afternoon. After I came back I decided to go for a walk alone by the lake to look at the ice. It was actually quite beautiful. The swans and ducks were all close to shore, swimming in the icy water. I took a few pictures on my phone that I of course Instagrammed, because I figure people would be into swans and snow and ice.

I call it "Swans in the Vortex"

After I defrosted I went upstairs to watch last night's episode of New Girl then got hungry for a snack. I went downstairs and into the kitchen and noticed that the front door was open. Not wide open, but cracked a bit. I assumed the wind blew it open or I hadn't latched it properly, so I closed it and grabbed a banana and fed the cat. That was when I noticed that I hadn't seen the dog in a while.

I called his name once - nothing. Then I looked in the other room to see if he was sleeping - he wasn't. Then I went upstairs - not there. Then the third floor, because I knew that was his favourite place to go in the house - not their either. Then I panicked. Then I remembered the front door.

I threw on my boots, coat and hat and grabbed his leash and started running outside like a maniac. I asked anyone I saw as I passed in my crazed state if they'd seen a large golden retriever loose. No one had. I found a neighbour in the complex and asked if he'd seen the dog, he hadn't - but he said he'd drive around in his car and look for me. I gave him my cellphone number so he could reach me if he found the dog. At this point I started bawling. I had lost a dog. Not my dog, but someone else's. A family trusted me to watch their house and pets while they were away and what did I do on the first day? I lost him. I let him escape by not shutting the door properly. The self-loathing was kicking in big time.

"Why does my life always suck?"

I asked several more people, an old man, a security guard. They all told me the same thing, to contact the police or animal control. I looked across the park and saw the icy water again. I started crying more. What if he went in the lake? What if he got hit by a car on these busy roads? What if I can't find him and he freezes to death outside in this polar vortex infested city! I called my mom - left her a incoherent voicemail. I called my dad, who told me to calm down and keep looking and to call animal control.

I couldn't find him still, so I went back into the house to look up the phone numbers. I sat on the couch and pet Bandit and cried while I looked up animal control on Google. That was when I heard him whimper.

"Cash!" I screamed.

I ran to the back door and opened it hoping to find him. He wasn't there.

"Cash!" I yelled again.

More whining and whimpering but I still couldn't locate him.

Finally I swung open the powder room door and there he was. He had been trapped in the tiny washroom by the back door for over an hour.

He was so happy to be freed, and as happy as I was to find him safe, I was also mad. I'm my mind I was like, "Dude, I thought you were dead and here you are, just hiding in a bathroom! This is the least fun game of hide and seek I have ever played!"

I'm glad you're not lost!

During my hour as a crazy person, I had texted the owners telling them I had lost their dog. So of course I needed to amend that right away. I felt like such a dork, "ah, just kidding - he was in the bathroom! hahaha lol."

I put Cash's leash on and walked him to the neighbour who'd offered to help. He drove up in his car and rolled down the window and said, "Where did you find him?"

"Uh, he just, ahh, came to the backdoor."

I didn't have the heart to tell this amazingly helpful man that the dog was never lost - that he was just stuck in the only room in the whole house that I didn't think to check.

I laid on the floor with Cash for a bit and hugged him. I know he was never lost, and that the door being open was just a very unfortunate coincidence. But I was happy he was safe and home, and it just felt good to lay on the floor for a bit and decompress.

Now my throat hurts from yelling and crying. Cash is laying on the floor next to my bed like today was not that big of a deal for him. I wish I could be simple like a dog.

I Am the Grumpy Cat of Bridal Parties

So to anyone who's new around here, I am a bridesmaid in my brother's wedding this June. I have used this blog to bitch about it ever since I was asked to be part of it last fall. What I've learned from this experience thus far is that my sister-in-law has tastes that don't generally mesh with my own. That, and I'm a weird girl who just doesn't like things that other girls like.

I don't like strapless dresses and I don't have my ears pierced.

The ears thing all started when I was a little girl and I was too scared to get them done. I thought pain wasn't worth the extra jewellery options. As I grew older I began feeling embarrassed about the lack of holes in my earlobes, but still this wasn't enough to make me want to do it. My aunt even bought me earrings with the hope that I'd want to do it so I could wear them. The embarrassment grow stronger, which is basically why I didn't want to get them done. I felt like I was too old to be getting my ears pierced for the first time. I even had a pen pal who sent me a pair inside a letter and she kept asking and asking me how I liked them in her subsequent letters, but I continued to avoid the question for a long time. I eventually told her I didn't have pierced ears and that I was sorry for not telling her sooner. I gave the earrings to my mom. I felt like such a loser.

In high school it didn't matter as much, as I learned more about other jewellery options. I began working at a kiosk in the mall that sold bracelets and necklaces (and earrings, of course) - but I started a huge collection of silver rings. For a while I wore a ring on almost all of my fingers. I didn't need earrings - I had plenty of adornments on my hands.

It's not really a big deal to me anymore, as I've become so used to not thinking about earrings as part of an ensemble. I can style myself in many other ways instead - with scarves, nail polish, lipstick - I really don't feel like anything's missing from my look. I've done just fine without.

Today, my future sister-in-law sent out an email to us girls about her "final" vision for the bridesmaid's looks. We all have our dresses, so that's covered, but what was left was jewellery. She's decided that we're not going to wear necklaces. Instead we're all going to buy/find a pair of "old hollywood glam" earrings to wear on the day. What does this mean for me? Well it means I have to wear clip-ons. Now Etsy has been a wonderful resource for finding vintage "glam" clip-ons - if clip-ons can ever be considered "glam." But if you've never worn them before you probably don't know how much they hurt. They are clamped onto your earlobe so they don't fall off and your ears turn red. Plus you just feel silly, like you're playing dress-up. The last time I wore clip-on earrings was when I dressed as Joan from Mad Men for Halloween three years ago. It was just a costume - I didn't need to care whether or not people thought they were real.

Everyone keeps reminding me that this isn't my wedding - I know, I get that, but I am still allowed to hate everything about my outfit (except for my shoes - I bought super awesome shoes). I'm still allowed to feel uncomfortable and uneasy about it. I'm sorry, but I'm not going to win Miss Congeniality by any means. I already told the bride I would sacrifice by ears for fashion, but that I would be taking them off as soon as photos are done. The way I see it, once the speeches are over and I'm done eating my stuffed chicken or whatever, my job as a bridesmaid will be over. I will dance and drink and take off my stupid fake earrings that I was forced to wear by a bride who just wants us all to look "glam."

And if any of you suggest I just suck it up and get my ears pierced and quit whining, well, that's just not going to happen. I'd rather wear the fake ones than get them pierced just to please a picky bride. And that goes for all future brides who dare ask me to be in their wedding. I will do what you ask - I will wear the stupid dress and I'll adorn myself in rhinestone costume jewellery at your request, but I will probably blog to a small group of strangers about how much I hate it. Just so you know.

Checkered Vans and College Radio

I just finished reading Katie Heaney's book, Never Have I Ever: My Life (So Far) Without a Date, and it was like reading about my own life - seriously. We both seemed to have the same awkward social skills, some similar tastes (um, watching The OC in her residence room with her close female friends), we both wrote obsessively in our journals about the boys we liked in ways that are bizarre and scary to look back on. I honestly feel like writing this girl a fan letter to tell her how awesome she is.

Reading this book brought up some very specific memories of my own. One in particular is something I tried to ignore and pretend didn't happen. But I feel like if Katie Heaney can write about her awkward dating/social life with honesty and humour, then so can I.

This was back in 2004-05 - also known as my second year of university. I was living in residence in a single room, across the hall from my friends Megan and Michele. Our other good friend Leanne lived a floor below us - but we all socialized together. My only friend outside of this group was a girl I'd met in a class the previous year, but over that summer (2004) she had gone and done things that were sort of outside of my comfort zone in terms of crazy and the two of us were drifting apart with nothing left to talk about. The other thing that was important about being a student in 2004 was that Facebook didn't exist yet. There was, however, another social networking site that many of us used. Yeah, you know you had it too, don't be embarrassed. Myspace!

Myspace was a disaster of a site. So many people with their glittery animated backgrounds and stupid songs that would play as soon as you opened their profiles, it was really an eyesore/assault to the ears. The other thing about Myspace was that random people could just follow you without your permission. So you'd end up with all these "friends" who were mostly creeps/bands who wanted you to listen to their new song. You could search for more local people, which is I guess how Chad found me.

I was going to school in North Toronto, basically wedged between a ghetto, an industrial wasteland, and new developments. My school was huge and I didn't get off campus very often - there was no need to. Through chatting or messaging, Chad told me that he was going to a small technical college not far from campus and that he also hosted a radio show through my university's other campus. I had never heard of this radio station, but whatever. After chatting for a while (many days, or weeks, I'm not sure) he asked me if I'd like to meet him at my school while he waited for the shuttle bus so he could go do his radio show. I reluctantly agreed even though, A) Meeting someone from the internet made me feel weird, and B) The OC was on that night and I didn't want to be late meeting my friends for our weekly dose of teen drama.

Before I get into how our meeting went, I should tell you the things I remember about Chad. I did not find him all that attractive in the traditional sense - he seemed to have a slacker style that just didn't impress me. He seemed obsessed with his checkered Vans. In the Mid-2000s the checkered Van (shoe) was like mustaches are today. It was a level of cool that could teeter either way, you had to beware not to slide into trying-too-hard territory. When you have to talk about your shoes then you're trying too hard.

I may have been a bit of a snob that night, but I think I was just uncomfortable and I really didn't want to miss my show. I don't know what I wore, but I do remember that I ordered a tea. I wasn't going to eat because I was planning on eating with my friends after. I found him in the student centre near a table at the back. He said he was hungry so he went and ordered something gross and fried from the KFC/Taco Bell there. I said I was fine with just the tea I bought before our meeting. I was uncomfortable from the get go - I straight up didn't want to be there. I learned a bit about him, he was originally from the Ottawa area but now lived closer to downtown Toronto - and bragged about his view of the CN Tower (people who have views of the CN Tower always seem to brag about it - like sorry I live in residence in shitty North T.O. - if I wanted to see the CN Tower I could just go there!)

Anyways, through one of our conversations (online or in-person) he told me he'd play a Guster song for me on his show...at least I think it was a Guster song. I think I was trying to impress him with my knowledge of non-top 40 bands. I told him I'd try to listen to his show, but that I had plans. I made my excuses and left in a hurry back to my building to the safe confines of my friend's double room.

After the show was over I went back to my room to try and listen to Chad's show online. I couldn't get it to work, so I gave up. I guess he did play the song - I don't even know which one. Over time I think I gradually stopped talking to him and he eventually unfriended me on Myspace. I couldn't really act that hurt, since I was the one who totally shut down any possibility of the two of us becoming friends. We only met that one time and I never told any of my university friends about him. I didn't tell them where I'd been before I met up with them and they didn't care or ask. I could have been at the library for all they knew.

In the end I felt like my natural, organic friendships just felt better. I'm still friends with all those girls and Chad, well, I don't remember his last name so I couldn't even look him up if I wanted to. I could google "shaggy guy with checkered vans" and get a lot of hits. Plus, I was probably still obsessing over one of my many terrible crushes. I need to find my journal from this era and see if I wrote anything about it.

So yeah, that was the one and only time I ever met anyone I'd met in an online situation. Of course now I'd be willing to meet up with a few of my blog friends, because I feel like I know you - but I think I'd still have a hard time explaining to my real life friends how and why. It's this weird stigma I have about people judging me harshly on how I socialize and with whom. So basically online dating is completely out of the question for me. If I could barely make it through a chat in crowded university student centre then I don't think I could ever do it as a prelude to dating. Ick! I just can't do it. Just typing about that encounter made me feel uncomfortable all over again. Am I completely stupid for just hoping that I will one day have the chance to meet someone the organic way? As of now, I'm willing to wait.

My Own Personal Polar Vortex

Frozen tree in my neighbourhood from Dec 22 - Ice Storm.

Unless you live in Southern California or someplace equally as sunny and warm, you probably lived through, or at least heard of the Polar Vortex. Basically after many heavy snow falls early in December, plus an ice storm, things actually got worse. Basically we went into a deep freeze. During this icy patch (with ongoing issues of melting and re-freezing) I have experienced some personal changes as well - some directly a result of the weather, some not.

• I know no one likes it when people complain about being sick - but I've been sick. I'm still getting over this cold and it's really pissing me off.

• My seasonal contract with the bookstore came to an end and I was not asked to stay on. I am extremely sad about this because it was actually a job I liked and had promise.

• One of my best friends got engaged but I didn't freak out or get mad - mainly because I know she won't use this as a method of torture. I won't have to worry about all the cheesy wedding rituals that so many couples adhere to. If she's starts slipping into annoying-land I will metaphorically slap her back to reality. I already told her that I'll wear a red or purple dress to her wedding because those are her favourite colours - but it will be a dress of my own choosing.

• I got stuck running on a treadmill many, many days in a row due to 30 below zero temps with the windchill, and/or ice on the road/sidewalks. I have a love/hate relationship with treadmills.

• A pipe burst in my parent's basement and I was the only one there to deal with it/clean it up - well except for a family friend who I enlisted to come help me once I noticed water pouring in from the electrical panel. Eeek!

• I found a beautiful/perfect apartment for myself but it is not available when I need it to be! Dammit! It had brand new appliances, tiled flooring and updated bathroom! I hate that I can't have it!

• I did my first Orange Theory Fitness class yesterday and realized that I have a hard time slowing down my heart-rate for interval training...that or the range they plugged in for me based on my age is incorrect based on my fitness level.

How has your polar vortex been? And you can STFU if you live someplace warm. I like to say that living in Canada in the winter is character building. Though this was apparently the coldest winter (so far) in 20 years. So last time we had temperatures this low I was nine. I don't even remember thinking about the weather in those terms back then. I was probably still outside in my snowsuit making a snowman. Or my mom kept us in and we watched movies and drank hot chocolate. I didn't have to worry about driving conditions or pipes freezing, just that I had the right amount of marshmallows in my drink. I didn't have to worry about job contracts not being renewed, or friends getting married, finding a place to live, or sticking to fitness regimes. I just had to be a kid.

I Don't Date - I Yearn

When your eyes say "don't look at me"
and your lips say "no thanks"

I've never understood girls who date. You know girls who call themselves single but actually date a lot. See different guys, have casual sex, and basically have a carefree existence. Even if this is how I wanted to live (I don't), I don't think I could - it's just not how I'm built.

I do not date - ever...or hardly ever.

What has brought this on? This need to talk about my lack of a dating life? Well a book was brought to my attention - Never Have I Ever: My Life (so Far) Without a Date by Katie Heaney. While I have only pre-ordered this title, I gather from the blurb that it's about this young woman's life without a single date. And guess what? She isn't some hideous freak. She isn't a misfit. She's a normal, healthy young woman who isn't afraid to be honest about her life. Pretty refreshing.

Some of you might be thinking, 'well Allison, this is fine and all, but didn't you have a serious boyfriend? You can't really compare yourself to this girl who HAS NEVER HAD A BOYFRIEND.' Well, guess what folks, I can and will relate to this girl - so whatever.

Yeah I've been on dates and kissed boys - but not in the way that's considered regular dating. I don't understand "the dating scene" - I don't even know what that looks or feels like. The boys I've gone on "dates" with or kissed have been special cases. They've all been characters in my journals and in my thoughts for prolonged periods of my life. I've never just gone on a date with someone I met casually. For me I must obsess about the boy for months and pine over him first. If I'm lucky he might just talk to me.

I lack experience when it comes to dating and sex - this is all true. But loving someone comes much easier to me. This has of course led to a lot of disappointments and heartbreaking endings. So let me talk to you about the big 3 - the three guys I've loved (or could have loved) and why I never dated them in the conventional sense of the word.

1) The High School Crush

I was obsessed with him for three years in high school. I finally confessed my feelings to him one night on the phone. He confessed he had liked me too. The operative word being "had" - as in past-tense. We were completely messed up. We talked on the phone a lot - and he pretty much opened my eyes to a lot of things I had been too naive to realize for myself. He was passionate and insane. We didn't often hang out in real life, but when we did it was always some grand adventure that involved driving around aimlessly into the night. He was never my boyfriend and our relationship never came to anything beyond an awkward hand touch while he was trying to teach me to drive his standard car (until years later when we kissed, but I'm not even going to talk about that). In many ways our relationship was very...sexual (for lack of a better term) while also being extremely chaste. We were all talk, no substance. He hurt me over and over again and I let him hurt me over and over again. In the end it was a very toxic friendship that came crashing down around me not once, but twice.  We fought like an old married couple but were really nothing to each other. Love was not enough to keep us from hating one another.

2) The Record Store Guy

I was infatuated with him from the moment he spoke to me one day in the mall. He was the sexy older guy who worked at the record store and I was the insecure high school girl working at the jewellery kiosk in the middle of the mall. Something about him really stuck. We chatted a lot in passing. He would give me big warm hugs whenever I was having a bad day. Even after we both moved on from our jobs at the mall our paths would cross. One night in a dark and dingy basement bar he told me he always had a thing for me. He asked me why we never made out. I laughed - um because we only ever talked for a few minutes in passing in the mall. He drunkenly kissed me that night and I drunkenly wrote my number on his hand. He never called and I was sad. Girls like me are always sad when boys do what boys do. For some reason I thought, maybe this time this movie moment will be real. And he'll call, and I'll blush and we'll go out on a proper date. None of this dive bar make-out shit - but a restaurant and conversation. But it wasn't to be.

3) The Real Boyfriend

My ex and I had almost dated before. And by that I mean we used to sex't each other and then act awkward in person. The second attempt at being together was more successful, at least at first. We went on real dates. Dinners - movies - holding hands and stealing a few kisses when we could. I fell in love with him hard and fast. But the sweetness faded. His job took him away from me for most of the year and he stopped holding up his end of the bargain in terms of keeping the home fire burning. In the end he literally abandoned me. I still don't know why and I've only just stopped caring very recently.

So I feel like it's easy to see why I don't understand conventional dating. I look too hard for cinematic moments that will lead to something bigger. I don't know how to tell someone I like them. I don't know what it means to feel safe and confident. I don't want to bother getting to know someone if they're only going to leave in the end. Or grow tired of me.

So this is my confession. Since I broke up with my boyfriend in mid-2012 I have not had a single date with anyone. And chances are I'm not going to have a date for a while. I just don't do dating. And please, do not comment that I should try online because I will completely ignore that advice. I will not date online because that to me is weirder than trying to date in real life. So there. I said it. I don't date. My single life is just that - singular. And honestly, it's okay. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I just thought it would be refreshing for some people to hear that we're not all subscribing to the Sex and the City dating method.

So I'm looking forward to reading this book. I'm hoping I can learn a bit about other people like me while simultaneously learning a bit more about myself.

July 7/02

I was just flipping through one of my old journals from high school and I came across an entry that began like this:

I'm so tired of sitting downstairs playing spider solitaire on the computer, eating popsicles, listening to the White Stripes! I want [douchebag high school crush]!

I cannot believe there was ever a version of myself who would get sick of eating popsicles and listening to The White Stripes! What was wrong with me? Why did I think spending time with this boy would make my summer more fun? I suppose I had spent too many days down there thinking I would be better off spending time with a boy who actually didn't give a crap about me. But if I'm really being honest I spent a lot of time doing other so-called banal activities wishing I was in the company of whomever I was infatuated with at the moment. And then there was that period in 2012 where I just stopped listening to music because it made me feel too much.

I long for the days when I could just escape by eating popsicles whilst listening to one of my favourite bands. But teenaged Allison wanted a skinny boy with baggy pants and tartan patterned hat who was mean to her.

In a later entry from July 11/02 I quoted The White Stripes' song "I'm Finding it Harder to be a Gentleman."

"Well I'm finding it hard to say that I need you twenty times a day."

It's Going to Be Okay

I wrote something on my Facebook wall on New Year's Eve that I thought I'd expand and explain here. I wrote that 2013 was a year of recovery for me and that 2014 will be a year of re-growth.

A year ago I was still hurting from my painful relationship failures and nothing seemed to be moving forward for me. My grandmother died and I had moments of weakness where I felt like I was so alone - but over time I began to heal is ways I never expected to. In 2013 I discovered who was on my team and even if that means I have a smaller circle, it's a circle non-the-less - and that is strong.

I injured my leg running - which resulted in months and months of physio and patience. But what I learned was that I truly love running and I love the people I run with. Physio was worth every penny to not have to give that up.

I was let go from a job that I hated but I was happy. I recovered because it was actually a relief to be free of the place. I started something new and even if it doesn't last I will always be grateful for the experience.

So that is my foundation - the strength I gained from all the physical and emotional trials in 2013. From here I can only get better. I won't go as far as to say that 2014 "will be my year," because that just isn't true. No one can know what will happen over the next 12 months. We can guess and plan all we like, but I have no idea what will be thrown at me. Just as last New Year's I didn't expect a major death in my family or that I'd lose my job.

I can only map out so much for myself and I have to just let the rest happen. Come what may, I'm going to try to face the future with as much understanding and grace as I can muster. I might fail miserably but I know from past experiences that I can endure it. If something didn't hurt like hell every once and a while we wouldn't know what joy feels like.